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Somebody That I Used To Know

**dirty laundry alert**  This post is 2 years in the making, but this blog has been therapeutic for me before, so here we go again.

I've mentioned on here before my love for Mad Men.  In season 2, one of the many scenes that have stuck with me was between Don and Peggy. I won't give spoilers away in case you haven't seen the show (do so now please), but in the scene Peggy is going through a pretty emotional event and Don shows up to offer his support.  He then says this line...

In a show that's largely based upon searching for yourself while living life through an alter ego, this dialogue really hits the theme home with things I've been experiencing the past 2+ years.

I wonder just how we do keep moving forward and how significant events in your life can really someday cease to exist in your memory.  It is really incredible when you think about it, that events once consuming decades of your life and energy could and often will one day become an insignificant blip of your past.  I know it is possible, but with a current issue I am experiencing, I feel as if my mind is stuck in cement.

Over the past 2 years someone that I loved as family for over 20 years (that is an reference only my parents should make about stuff like their furniture) has eradicated the bond we once had. 

A sisterhood shattered.

Growing up I was always prepared for the heartbreak a boy might bring to me, and I endured that.  But nothing could prepare my heart for this type of ache. 

Gone is the sister who took my awkward self to the mall when I was 13 to boost my self esteem.  Gone are the endless inside jokes.  Gone are the memories of trips together.  Her being an aunt to my kids. Gone is my peace of mind knowing that she'd take care of my kids with my brother should anything happen to my husband and I.  Gone are the glances we'd give each other at family get togethers knowing just what the other was thinking (are we related to these people?). Gone the Matron of Honor in my wedding. Gone is my scrapbooking pal.  Gone is the joy of buying gifts I secretly wanted for me knowing that she'd love them just as much because our tastes were exactly the same.  Gone is sharing the joy of finally having a baby girl of my own and seeking guidance from the one woman who I always ran to.  Gone are the future dreams and events we had planned together.

20 years of building a relationship together and crumbling apart just wasn't for her an my brother.  I feel just as betrayed.  Just as hurt. Just as bitter.  Just as sad.

I struggle with the dichotomy of the situation at hand.  The scene above could be used to address both parties viewpoints of our situation. I struggle with her perhaps viewing this same scene and thinking the same thoughts....I want to move forward and be shocked at how my old life never existed. However that doesn't excuse the actions that have been taken to hurt myself and my family. 

I can appreciate wanting to move forward and be happier.  I can appreciate wanting your voice to be heard. I can appreciate wanting to have your own two feet to stand on.  I can even support a mid-life crisis excuse. 

Probably what really gets me is if we were only friends and not family, I'd be more supportive and understanding of her.  But we weren't friends.  We were sisters.

What I can not appreciate is the deception that was delved out.  The selfishness. The hypocrisy. The double standards. The martyrdom. No apology.  No sincerity. The disregard for friendship and support when it was most needed. The game playing. And the probably worse than all, the nonchalant attitude that nothing had been done and everything was perfectly normal.                                                                                                                                                            
I was raised not to treat people this way.  This was not the character of our relationship.

I'm insanely loyal and not someone who brushes off emotions easily. I also don't do well feeling that I've been duped and well, I was duped. 

You cut me deep Shrek.  Real Deep
I agree, it's our job as humans to move forward, life's too short, go forth and conquer what your heart tells you too, carpe diem and kumbaya shit, there is a flip side to that mindset.  What do you do with the emotions left inside of you that you can't shake off? 
Bitterness, anger, sadness, rejection, resentment, guilt, jealousy.  These are ugly characteristics and yet, I feel them too often in my life about my former sister. 

I want the scene above to be true for me.  I want to erase the hurt and pain I feel daily from this situation and be able to shock myself  how much this never happened and how I am able to move forward from it.  I want the toxic emotions I have been feeling for 2+ years to go away.  I want to be a better aunt to my niece and nephew. I know it will eventually, I'm just still stuck in the mud with it. 

It truly feels like the death of a loved one, only with a large helping of bitterness on the side with the grieving.

I want her to be simply someone that I used to know, because I certainly don't know who she is anymore.


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