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Pro-Tips on Visiting a New Mom

I'm thinking of starting a new series on here called "Pro-Tips"  I consider myself a professional of various things in life.  This might make me more commonly referred to as any of the following: a-know-it-all, full of common sense, not a dumb ass, or just sick of people doing stupid shit.

Anyways, I thought what a perfect way to start off this series than with pro-tips for visiting a new mom.  Now that I've experienced this 3 times, I'm declaring myself a pro (read again: tired of people's shit)

If you are a hospital employee:
  • Ask the mom if she wants to be cluster checked or not.  Some new moms in the hospital need lots of attention, others don't. This being our 3rd time at the rodeo most of the staff got that memo and left us alone understanding that this was our 48 hours of peace and quiet to bond with Tater Tot instead.  Greatly appreciated.
  • Check the frickin' schedule.  Ok, if you come in and ask me when baby ate, and then you come in 1 hour and 45 minutes later see us both asleep and wake me to ask the same question, I'm going to go postal on you.  Especially if you do this multiple times a night.  Also pass this message along to all of those other people that come in the room to poke and prod my baby for various reasons.  I get that you are all on a schedule, but for the love of God waking up my newborn 15-30 minutes before she needs to be is messing with me just to mess with me.  Check on another room first and come back.  K-Thanks.
If you are a family member:
  • Don't refer to visiting the new parents as you "visiting a Bed & Breakfast" for the weekend.  All visitors, particularly ones staying with the parents, should be there to cater and help the parents out.  It's that simple.  By referring to it as a B&B you are insinuating that you are on vacation for R&R and pampering.  Um, not so much.
  • Don't bring f*cking noisemakers for the older/toddler siblings to use.  WTF were you thinking? Great way to have a new mom go ape shit on you.
  • Bring food.  Plan this beforehand, especially if you're staying overnight.  The last thing I want to do is meal plan, cook for you, send my husband to the store, and then clean up after your butt.  At the very least order/pick up take out. You can earn bonus points if you bring a pack of paper plates so I don't have to do dishes.
  • Don't ask the new mom "Did the baby get up last night?"- Really? Seriously did that just come out of your mouth?  That baby is 3 days old you know damn well she got up multiple times and it was my ass that leaped from bed to get her as not to disturb your slumber.--This is also helpful advice if Daddy's snoring dead to the world during the night.
  • Remember your inside voice.  This isn't because I'm afraid it is too loud for baby but rather your loud voice is too much for me to handle in a sleep deprived state.
  • Never grab the baby from the mom.  Never. Ever. Never. Ever.  Rule #1 in the animal world is don't mess with Momma Bear.  You retrieving her baby cub for yourself with out asking can only result in instant death.
  • Nursing takes awhile and it hurts.  This is priority #1 for a new mom to try and figure out so be patient.  Nursing sessions for a new first time mom can last a long time and she'll probably appreciate privacy while trying to get the hang of it.  It still isn't a picnic in the park the first week the 3rd time around either. 
  • Relax on the picture requests.  Remember the good ol' days when you didn't get ultrasounds so the sex of a baby was always a surprise?  Or remember when babies were born and didn't already have a digital footprint on FB of their existence in less than 24 hours of their birth?  Or perhaps you remember having to actually go through the drive-thru film drop off place, getting your roll of film developed in three days to see those sweet pictures of the new baby? Perhaps you are so prehistoric that the birth announcement was the first time you were introduced to the new baby to spread the word to others that you know.  See a pattern here?  Be patient.  You'll get the news and the pictures.  In the meantime twiddle your thumbs and stop nagging for some especially within the first week.
  • Remember what it was like for you as a new parent.  It might have been 30+ years ago were a new mom yourself, but please,  puhleese, take five minutes to channel and remember what an emotional and physical toll it is to be a mom, whether the first time or the fifth time.  It is draining no matter how much of a Rock Star the mom makes it seem like she is.  Be cognizant of that first and foremost.
The flip side to this post is that I have had many family and friends get it right on how to visit.  I am also very moved by the generosity of people showing their support and love for our family. It's not a complete bitchfest here :)
Author's Note: obviously this was written newly postpartum so the truth is what you get


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