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Mom Update

It has been 5 months since my mom's diagnosis of Pancreatic Cancer, and she is still fighting it. The doctors gave her 3-6 months, but somehow I think she'll beat those odds.  She is sort of a medical anomaly.

She has had a pretty rough last 2 weeks, but seems to have bounced back amazingly somehow.  We can tell her liver is in failure mode due to her now being in a constant jaundice state.  It is so hard to look into your mother's eyes when they are yellow.  I want to see her, not that. She did managed to overcome being over drugged her medication to the point we thought we had less than 24 hours with her.  I've been going home every weekend when I can for a visit, but it is hard on me.

About a month ago, I had a particularly hard weekend with her.  She had been transferred from her house to the nursing facility due to her wandering up at night and falling occasionally.  There was also other symptoms of the cancer that were requiring more constant nursing care.  She went into a nursing home vs. hospice due to the fact she isn't at the dying stage yet, although she still gets Hospice services.  On my visit home that weekend she informed me that she wanted to go to the county fair.  I'm not sure why, but I lost it.  I haven't ever taken my mom out.  She is wheelchair bound, obese and has a catheter.  How in the hell was I supposed to handle her on my own, especially since she had a history of falling earlier in the week.  I managed too, but it was emotionally draining on me.  I just don't know how to act around her.  I can't wipe everything aside and be joyful when I'm with her.  I'm not mad (anymore....) when I visit, but somber and sad.  There is not much to our conversations too and I'm not sure why that is.  She is very withdrawn when I visit or talk.  Just a few words here or there.  Oh, how I longed for her to tell me things.  The secrets of the past to be exposed, the apologies, the bonding.  For her to cloak herself as my mother and not just a woman I know.

Not sure what the next few weeks or months will bring.

I am excited to share that the United States House of Representatives passed unanimously the Recalcitrant Cancer Research Act (H.R. 733), formerly known as the Pancreatic Cancer Research & Education Act. Hopefully funding and education can make this disease not be increasing at the levels it is.


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