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Mom Update

I'm trying to even process all that happened yesterday.  I think somewhere along the line a screw broke loose in my brain and I can't cry anymore.

My mom has had a very bad week with her health declining from the Cancer.  She had a bad scare about 2 weeks ago while we were on vacation too (yes, I know I haven't written about that yet).  It turns out that was just a bad UTI and she recovered.  This week her symptoms seem different.  She is vomiting nearly all she eats and her skin is getting very blotchy.  She is in pain, but not to severe as she is getting morphine every hour.  Her activity time and endurance is lessened as well.  Except for the cigarettes.  I can't tell you how much I loathe the cigarettes.  Yes, they apparently are the only thing giving her comfort, but good lord she is smoking one after the other.

Yesterday was a planned visit (I live 2 hours away).  My mom, my brother, her partner, and myself were all supposed to meet with her therapist for a session to discuss God knows what.  Well, we of course had to sit out in the parking lot in the sprinkling rain and wind so mom could smoke.  Fucking cigarettes--sorry for my potty mouth, I inherited it from her.

Anyways it was miserable.  I'm pretty sure my heart completely fell out of my chest and rolled into the street and was run over by a car.  You see my biggest issue right now is that I have no formation of an image to hold on to my mom with. It is hard for me to picture what I want to remember her as, and even harder for me to fill that image up with happy memories.  I love my mom, I do.  I love her hugs and I know I'll remember those, but that is about all I've got.  It isn't that my childhood was all negative, but the majority of it was, especially from 12 on.  I mean I didn't even have a decent conversation as adult with my mom until 2 years ago.  The memory and image I want to have of her is from my perspective of a little girl, not an adult.  I've got nada in this department. 

So this brings me back to where my heart yesterday fell out.  The therapist asked my mom if she could share any experiences with me that were special between us when I was little.  Silence.  Not a peep.  I really wanted to blame on the fact she wasn't well and the cancer that her mind couldn't speak, but it killed me.  I guess maybe when I think of myself on the way out of this world I'll be comforted by my children and husband hopefully and recalling the memories and lives we made together.  But there my mother sat with nothing to share.  I'm not sure if anyone else in the group saw it, my brother did I think. 

I didn't get into anything else during the session.  We talked briefly about what her wishes are when the time comes that she passes.  We'll split the ashes between the three of us.  My brother was diplomatic during the session and just stressed to my mom that she needs to be at peace and to not be afraid to die.  We then ended up going back to her house.  She got into her hospital bed and essentially passed out from exhaustion.  My brother and I stood over her and held her hands.  I swear it felt like she was going to go at that moment.  Again my heart was falling out of my chest in raging pain. I don't know how much more I can stand her to be in this state.  I don't want it for her.  I say goodbye every time like it is my last, I'm so drained.

I ended up coming back home last night.  I feel guilty being so far away but I've got to take care of my boys, and it is easier for me to run away and come back later.  I hate that because I don't want my brother to be there alone.  I might go back tomorrow.  I start school next week and am trying not to stress over the two events colliding.  I really pray for my brother right now through all of this.  We handle things differently but are super close.  To say his world is a cluster fuck right now is an understatement, I'm so worried about him.

Thanks for reading.  I appreciate your thoughts and prayers.

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