Skip to main content

TAT- Mom Guilt

Growing up Geeky's topic today is "Your Mom".

I'm pretty sure she doesn't want us to write sophomoric jokes that go something like "Yo Mama's so dumb that she tripped over a cordless phone", but rather reflect on relationships that we have with our mother.

This is still a pretty raw subject for me given what is going on with my mom currently.  There is a complicated dynamic between my mother and I, not that it makes me a special snowflake, don't all mother and daughters have this?

I'm really struggling with how to even write this post.  Do I write about what I love about my mom and what I'm going to miss about her?  How the anger/hurt has returned to me with my mom right now?  About how fortunate I am to have had other motherly influences in my life?  About the guilt I feel that my brother has been burdened by her more than I because I moved away?  How I'm sad I won't can write about how she is my BFF and all the fun shit we do together and how I can't go two days without calling her?  How I don't have a picture of her with her grandsons and can't rave about her grandmotherly ways?  How every time I talk to her I just expect her to say "it's almost time"?   I should just grab the tissues now.

We had her Life party a couple of weeks ago.  I was fine during the party, but before and after I was an anxious mess.  It seemed so surreal.

I feel like things are so superficial with us.  I feel like I'm a horrible daughter for being selfish and how I'm feeling about her illness.  Guilty for how I feel I need to process it instead of pushing it all aside, all the years of anger and hurt, and just focusing on her.  I feel so weak. I feel so cruel.  But I've never been good at faking my feelings.  I really wish I could right now.

I can't even look at her in the eyes.  It hurts too bad.  She physically doesn't resemble the mother I grew up with anymore and I know that the cancer is going to make her deteriorate even worse before this is all said and done.  Tick. Tick. Tick.  Time is ticking by.

I feel so confused about the present and future with us.  I had everything settled.  I was OK with the relationship we had created now that fights were no longer a daily occurrence. Now I just feel this incredible amount of pressure on us.  Pressure on me as human being in general and how life, forgiveness, and love works in general.

Sorry this kinda turned into emotions being thrown up.  Thanks for reading and saving me a trip to my therapist this week.

Head over to Growing up Geeky for more stories on moms, don't worry, they are more light-hearted :)


  1. Thank you for your comment.

    I get the feeling that I may be feeling like you as time goes on with my own mother.

    Now I feel "at peace" with our relationship. But there is always going to be a sadness of what never will be. Or a mourning of what never was.

    I wish you comfort as you try to wade your way through all the conflicted feelings you have.

  2. im so sorry amber, i know how hard this has been for you. just go with your gut. dont force anything you don't feel. <3


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog


I realized I never updated my Halloween Pictures.

My little guys were just adorable this Halloween and boy did they haul in the treats.

Alex dressed up as Spider Man for trick-or-treating at preschool and had a great time going around the classrooms getting goodies.

For actual trick-or-treating, Alex went as a fireman and Cameron went as his faithful companion, a dalmatian.  I have to pat myself on the back for decorating the wagon up as a fire truck. 

I liked getting into the spirit of the season.  It is such a let down when the trick-or-treaters that do come around have no costumes or manners :(

Good thing I got this up before the next holiday!

Slow Cooker Buffalo Chicken

I love spicy Buffalo Chicken and this tasty recipe was a snap to make.

I found this on Pinterest originating from here but below is my own variation and recommendations.

3-4 Chicken Breasts (I used fresh)
Franks Red Hot Sauce (regular or buffalo)
Dried Ranch Dressing Mix
2-3 tbsp. butter

Place Chicken in Slow Cooker
Pour approx. 1/2 bottle of sauce on top
1/4 to 1/2 of the dressing mix.  (I used 1/2 and found it to be too salty)

Cook on low for 6-8 hours

Shred up the chicken, add more sauce or a little water if necessary, but the chicken will shred up perfectly.
Put butter on top for about 15 more minutes, stir and then serve

**I think adding a little cream cheese to this recipe also might be a nice addition, but I'd melt that in the slow cooker prior to adding the chicken**

This is so yummy and very versatile to serve with anything.  I especially love it mixed in a cool salad with a little ranch dressing.  With the Super Bowl coming up too this would be a…

Pirate Party Game - Ring Toss

Why didn't I think of this?!  I came across this from Hostess with the Mostess site, my go-to party planning inspiration blog.  What an awesome game and pretty inexpensive if you were a savvy shopper and picked up the pirate hooks for $1 at Target along with some swim diving rings also in the $1 spot.

original source:

This would've been perfect for Alex's 4th Birthday Pirate Party where we played "Pin the Hook on Captain Hook".