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Mom Update

I went to see my mom this weekend.  We live a little over 2 hours apart.  I'm hoping to make it up there when I can, but when school lets out I'll have a more flexible schedule obviously.

Well, where do I begin.  Maybe I'll just split this up into two parts.

Medical Stuff:
She is still jaundice in her eyes.  It is creepy to see how yellow they can get.  She had a shunt put in to drain the bile and they also did a biopsy of her pancreas to gather more information. Apparently her tumor has only really developed in the past 3-4 weeks as it is and is already quiet large I'm told.   We are also told it is inoperable. She is back in the nursing home and goes back this week for her radiation marker appointment.  I think she will try the radiation treatment but doesn't want to try the chemotherapy part.

I think we are all confused on the timeline part.  The doctors are telling her 6 months -1 year with some treatments, 3-6 months with no treatments.   Both are erring on the lower sides.  We haven't been able to get an answer from the doctors yet it that is the general diagnosis for people, or for her specifically.   Mom is in poor health as it is so we are all thinking that those timelines are a stretch.  Our personal friends in the medical field are saying she's lucky to make 3 months.

We have no stage information about the cancer.  I don't know what the marker number was in her blood that originally confirmed it was cancer.  They did mention that it is wrapped around the pancreas which is making it inoperable.

She is weak and now is in pain.  She says she can't eat much either.  This is where things get tricky for me and how to relate to her.  She used to be heavily addicted to pain pills and just kicked them about 2 years ago (although she's been taking lots of other prescriptions since).  She is now back on her pain medicine of choice and I'm afraid of what that will do to her state of mind.  She wasn't always a kind woman or mother.  She also says she can't eat, but then was wanting me to bring her fast food and other stuff that wasn't good for her diet.  Part of me wants to be like "what the hell, live it up with french fries and ice cream if you've only got weeks left to live".  Overall though, she seems to be in decent spirits, but I can tell she is too tired to fight this.

We don't know if she'll be able to move out and about too much.  The idea that she can leave the nursing home overnight seems impossible to me.  I like her their too b/c they monitor her meds, but I know she doesn't want to die there. 

Emotional Stuff:

I have prepared myself for probably the past 5 years, if not more, to simply get a phone call saying that my mother had a massive heart attack and passed away.  She has already had a heart attack about 10 years ago, tried to commit suicide in front of me, and has been hospitalized countless times. So why should this news be shocking to me?  Why am I struggling with this?

I think the answer to that is finality.  This will be it.  For 20 years I have secretly in the depths of my heart wished that the mom I knew would reappear.  She hasn't and I know now with certainty that she won't.

That is all for now.


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